With one or two small exceptions, I’ve come to notice that this diary really doesn’t discuss my sex life. On one level, I know that this is because I know that Fiancee S. and her good friend C. both read this diary regularly. On another, however, I have been lately wondering if this reticence to discuss sexual matters indicates a broader emotional reserve towards sex… and that I haven’t been emotionally open to issues surrounding sex as I could be.
As a contrast, I offer the following anecdote about M., a woman I met in the late ’90’s. M. was (and as far as I know, still is) a strongly sexual person, a woman who absolutley adored sex in all its forms with both men and women. She recounted to me how, after breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year, J., that she had the following conversation with her mother:
mother: J. called last night. He sounds like he misses you.
M.: Oh. I don’t care.
mother: Don’t you want to get back together with him?
M.: No. Every guy I’ve slept with since we broke up has been MUCH better in bed than he was.
Suffice to say, M. was no shrinking violet when it came to expressing herself in any aspect related to sex.
(I was not one of the men she was referring to. Though my reaction to her was an attraction so immediate that it must have been pheromonal, she took one look at me and decided against it. Given that I was in the middle of dissertation hell and its attendant depression, that left me in a bit of a tailspin. I took her frankness about sex and other matter as an expression of emotional (or at least intellectual) intimacy… that we could not be more physically intimate left me wondering if something was wrong with me. The answer is another entry, I think.)
There has always been part of me that wants to so openly embrace my sexuality the way that M. did. I know that there is a fine line between expressiveness and garish compulsion… and I do not wish to cross it. I don’t consider myself to be prudish, but, there is a fire, a relish that I saw in M. and still see in some of the other diaries I read here that makes me wonder if I am missing something. Or maybe it’s just that the grass always looks greener over there. I don’t know.