I think astrology is getting boring. Why? Well, how many times can you be bothered to read “well Acquarius, you’ve got a moon rising and mercury in retrograde, so just feel lucky that your boobs don’t sag to your knees or your pecker doesn’t fall off this week”? I think it must be the signs. We’ve been using the same same astrological signs for the last three thousand years.
Well, no more. Call me a radical or just say I’m “thinking outside of the box”, but I’m willing to propose a few new, modern astrological signs. We’ll worry about how they “connect the dots” in the night sky later and when they fall during the year. I think its just important to get some new astrological ideas out there, run them up the flagpole, and see who salutes.
So here’s some astrological advice for this week for several proposed new signs of the zodiac:
Hummer– You are incredibly powerful and forceful, commanding respect and inspiring fear wherever you go. Yet for all your mighty bluster, you are insecure. For all your moral and spiritual size, you somehow fear you are a dinosaur and an asteroid is on its way to shatter your world. You fear this change knowing that you cannot be anything other than what you are. Embrace it because all ends are beginnings and vice versa. Try to stop at Bob’s U-Fill-It on 4th street this week. Gas is 20 cents off if you fill the tank after a car wash, and you, my friend, are in need of a shower.
Moxie– You are the perpetual idiosyncratic underdog and younger sibling wanting to play with the big kids. In your day, you had your shot to become the King of the Mountain, but you seek to please yourself rather than please others and you lost. Fear not, however. You have and always will have your fans. You are the Clint Howard to older brother Ron. True, you didn’t get to direct Apollo 13, but Ron was never on the original Star Trek. Take pride in your accomplishments this week and look into Rogaine.
Whore– You are the perpetual enigma. Some want power by owning you; others seek to use you and degrade you. Celebrities and a legion of children on the cusp of adolescence want to look like you and appropriate your indescribable mystique. Intellectuals cannot decide if you are a brave pioneer offering some lesson about the world or a social ill in need of a radical cure. You are at the heart of all things commercial, even if some do not wish to mention this. Keep your head down this week or someone is going to get bitch-slapped ’cause Fat Maynard is looking for YOU.
7 Eleven– You are the crossroads of humanity, though some are loathe to admit it. Everyone passes through your life for some reason or another, be it a loaf of bread, a Krispy Kreme, a Lottery ticket, or some cat food and anti-freeze. Being somewhat co-dependent, you welcome all comers even when all they want is the combination to your drop safe. This is an upbeat week for you; Darlene will return early from that Indian Gambling trip with her boyfriend Jimmy and offer to work the swing shift. Just don’t ask her about the scars on her wrists.
Heinz Ketchup– You are a true classic, despite attempts by some to degrade you and call you a vegetable. A social butterfly, you are welcome at all sorts of social gatherings and are enjoyed equally by both society cotillions and homeboys on the front stoop. You do not change with the times as much as the times change around you. You have a stability that people admire, though you can be difficult to draw out of your shell. This is a good week to go out and mix it up… get together with some metaphysical mayonaise and turn your life into Thousand Island dressing.
Whale Bone Corset– You value continuity and stability over all other things. You feel that form is definitely superior to function. Often sober and serious, you nevertheless are able to bring out the hidden in others with your charming wiles. Some revile your sense of tradition as stuffy and oppressing. Others see your rigid sense of purpose as powerful and role-affirming. You have a tendency to crop up in the most unusual of places and often mingle with people that others least expect. Be careful not to get too tightly wound this week. Some around you will seek you out for your strength and resolve, but your purpose is only to guide, not to hurt. Speak truth, but don’t use it like a blunt instrument. Careful diplomacy will bring size and definition where it is wanted, and keep undesirable ugliness to a minimum.
Banana– You feel constantly under threat and frustrated as if you haven’t had sex in nearly 10,000 years. You live in careful symbiosis with the world around you and worry that without care and handling you will feel lost and die. You know your limits in this world and struggle to show others about the imperminance of everything. Live for the now, and not the future this week. Becky Snodgrass is having a Memorial Day picnic on Sunday and somebody was asked to bring fruit salad. You’re well past green, but you better not be brown on Sunday morning. Someone is NOT bringing a jello mold to her picnic again this year!
Sit’n’Spin– Some call you a wild ride and others say you’re going nowhere. You definitely can be fun when you let your hair down and let people get to know you. Always bright and colorful, there is a depressive streak in you — you often run yourself in emotional circles until you are dizzy. Commerce is your enemy this week. Don’t let anyone trade you to the Jenkins’ up the street for a Big Wheel, a GI Joe with Kung Fu grip, and bunch of Playskool little people. Their house smells like muddy sneakers and day old bologna.
Harley Road King– You are a creature of questionable identity. Who are you really? Are you the wild and open road or are you a 42 year old dentist from Syosset, Long Island vainly trying to chase after lost youth? About one thing, there is no question: your blustery rumble is a thunder that few can ignore. Explore your rebellious side this week: get off the damn fence and buy the shirt that says “If you can read this, the bitch fell off” on the back.