taking stock, connecting dots

I awoke this morning at about quarter past six with a headful of angst. I’ve been feeling vaguely uncertain about some aspects of my life lately and I don’t know if I should take that seriously or not. One of the saving graces of reaching the age of 36 is that I begin to see the meta-patterns of my life. I find that my mood shifts every few weeks. It is nothing major, just a small change in how I perceive my life from “brighter, livelier” to “dimmer, duller.” I feel that I due for a shift from from brighter to dimmer.

Chief among my concerns is the issue of relocation. Mrs. Geek and I agree that we probably cannot buy real estate in the immediate area where we live in the next two years. We are talking about trying for children in that same time frame and would like to have the property issue settled first. That forces the conclusion that we must relocate to where housing costs are lower. If that is true, then the questions that remain are: when and how far do we move?

My level of job satisfaction is also a concern. I’m not entirely happy with where I work. The last six months have been full of re-organizations, layoffs, and voluntary departures from my division at Company O. The work seems to alternate between grindingly boring and intensely busy — something I see as a consequence of the frequent management shifts above me. I feel ready for a change. Do I try to find another job now or do I wait until we know whether or not we are moving?

Some aspects of my social life also seem somewhat stagnant at the moment. I feel like I don’t have much of a social life outside of Mrs. Geek’s circle of friends and family. That is not to say that I have no friends… I have a few and we’ve seen them in the last few weeks. No, it’s just that I haven’t met anyone new in a long time. Mrs. Geek has activities of her own that have allowed her to make some new friends. I’ve been sticking pretty close to home for a while now. I’m thinking I should get out more… by say, joining the choir at our church. Again I find myself asking, should I do this now when things may be changing soon?

Finally, money worries linger. I define financial success in terms of the ability to save money and/or accumulate wealth. I feel that I am doing little of either at this point. Certainly, Mrs. Geek and I both have good jobs… and this is nothing to dismiss out of hand. I just used to think that I’d be further along in the process by 36. It’s been more difficult than I thought it would be to get ahead.

They say that life is what happens while you are waiting for your plans to come true. That maxim seems very true to me right now… as I take stock of where I am and connect the dots in my life.

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