Though it may cost me time in Purgatory, I simply could not resist temptation to come up with my own version of Britney Spear’s Baby Blog”
December 3, 2004
Dear diary, well “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman” no more! Kevin and I are finally going to try to have a baby. I just totally melt whenever I see him with his kids. He’s so great with them! Well ok, leaving their mother while she was pregnant with one of them wasn’t so cool, but it’s just a sign of how totally and completely awesome our love for each other really is! We are just meant to be!
December 6, 2004
We’ve been going at it regularly for about three days now when my naturopath/nutritionist said I would be at my most fertile. Oh I can’t tell you how wonderful the sex is. I feel so incredibly feminine when we uuuhh, you know… climax together… and I feel Kevin squirt his … uhh… stuff in me. I want to bring life into this world! I heard Kevin bragging about our love making to one of his buddies saying that they should call him “The Chairman” because of all “deposits” he’s been making lately in “The Federline Reserve Bank”. Isn’t that just so totally cool or what???
January 1, 2005
Happy New Year everyone! Well, it’s been over three weeks since I was likely to conceive and I’ve missed my period. Oh, I hope! I hope! I hope! I’m having and appointment with my OB/GYN tomorrow after my two hour tanning appointment and before my herbal regiment consultation with my naturopath/nutritionist. She’s probably going to be pissed because I’ve been eating pork rinds again. In fact, Mom and Brian have both been upset about how I’ve been eating since the wedding… they say I need to tour. No way I’m doing that if I’m pregnant! I need to go to the Kabbalah Center and meditate about this. Is 23 a good number for childbearing? Is now a good time? I need to meditate on Binah the Universal Mother.
January 4, 2005
I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant! I can’t tell you how amazing this feels. Of course, the next couple of weeks are going to suck. No more Marlboro’s for me! Or Red Bull and Vodka! I guess I’ll just have to switch over to “iced tea” — House Wine of the South, y’all! Hmmm… I wonder if you can make iced tea with Kaballah water.
January 7, 2005
Ok, three days without a smoke or a drink. I wish I could say that things felt perfect, but they aren’t. I’ve been bitchy all day. I did realize one good thing about being pregnant though: I’m going to go to the Waffle House whenever I damn well please! I’m eating for two now!
January 11, 2005
Went to the Waffle House last night. I sat too close to the smoking section, and that’s got to be bad for the baby. I must get Felicia to ask the manager to clear the place of all smokers before I visit. Oh, I just love being a mother!
February 15, 2005
Sorry it’s been so long since my last update… Kevin and I had the most completely perfect Valantine’s Day. We were just sharing a completely romantic evening together… and he was rubbing my belly. I think I’m starting to show! Oh, those “false, evil tabloids” are going to think I’m just getting fat! We got to talking about names… my naturopath read my aura, and she said that the area around my womb was full of feminine force. I guess I’m having a girl! Anyway… names. If we are going to have a girl, I want to name her Augusta Jane Spears-Federline (A. J.) for short. Kevin said he would just call our baby “hubcap”, if it was a boy or a girl. That made me want to smack him… but I never can. He’s just too adorable!
February 20, 2005
Ugh. Morning sickness. Smells want to make me puke. Drakkar Noir (Kevin’s favorite) is the worst. He used to just come in after shooting some hoops with his posse and spray some on to avoid taking a shower right away. He did that today and threw up all over his favorite vintage basketball jersey. Teach him to mess with a pregnant woman! I need to go find that ginger goo I got from the naturopath. That’s supposed to help. That and lots of green lights. If it does, our living room is going to look like the nest of a space alien queen befor the month is out.
March 3, 2005
Kevin, damn him, continues to refer to the baby as “hubcap”. If he keeps this up, I may just decide to get sick on him on purpose… (instead of just by accident.) I notice that he’s been staying away from me a bit more lately. Thankfully, Felicia has been helping me when I don’t feel so good.
April 11, 2005
The story is about my “condition” is coming out this week. Alleluia! No more “evil tabloids” claiming that I am a fat cow! Even if I am beginning to feel like one because I’m definitely showing now. Must ask Madonna about treatments to avoid stretch marks. I can’t go out on tour next year to show off my trademark abs in a spandex/lycra halter top if what I really need is a tummy tuck. Hmmm… best ask Felicia to check up on who does the best tummy tucks in LA.
April 17, 2005
Kevin and I decided to have a bit of fun by attending a parenting class tonight. Ewww. All we got to hear about is how there’s a ball of snot keeping all the liquid in my uterus. Yuck! We were also given all this literature about “co-sleeping” and La Lache League. Should be breast feed, or shouldn’t we? How will I be able to wear a spandex/lycra halter top on stage if my boobs are swollen with milk? Hmmm… the size would probably have all the guys looking. If I get a pump, would Mom take care of 1am feedings while we’re on tour? Maybe it’s time to hire a nice Swedish au pair. Of course, if Augusta Jane ever even looks at her the same way she looks at me, that Nordic tramp is history!
May 1, 2005
It’s 3am. I just woke up from a nightmare. Kevin and I just went down for an ultrasound today. I swear, if I ever see Augusta Jane striking the same pose she was in on the monitor before she turns 19, I’m going to snap her neck. It bothered me so much during the day that I started to have dreams about it. I dreamt that I was 39 (and quite the tight, hot MILF, thank you very much) and got home late in the afternoon one day. I heard my first record playing up in A.J.’s room. Since she usually doesn’t play my old records, I decided to check on her. I caught her having sex with some guy… moaning “oooh… hit me baby one more time.” I woke up with a start, and then fell back asleep. The dream repeated, only this time she was silent and the guy was moaning “oh Britney, oh Britney!”. I’m firing my damn naturopath. These ginger extracts are giving me too many nightmares.