maybe I need to go on the wagon for a while

I’ve been thinking about my relationship with alcohol lately. As the child of an alcoholic, the fact that I can even say that I have a relationship with alcohol worries me. Beyond that, I have been reaching for a bottle (of beer, of wine, of Scotch or bourbon) more often lately and that is somewhat disquieting to say the least.

Before I go further, I should say that we’re not talking about binge drinking here… or even anything more than the alcoholic equivalent of a beer or two. I’m still such a lightweight that even that little alcohol leaves me with a light buzz. But even that worries me because of why I think I’m doing it.

This has been a stressful Spring, as I mentioned in other entries here. Job searching, transfers, vehicular collisions and lack of progress on key assignments have taken their toll on me. I find myself wanting to carve out some kind of stress free space in my life. To do that, I find myself tending toward things that please me right now. Should have a little extra food? Sure, it tastes good. Should I stay up a little later to watch that movie? Why not, since it provides some escape. Should I have a little wine with dinner or a shot of something stronger afterward? Sure, you’ve earned it.

So I’ve been drinking more… and not for the first time in my life. During the darkest days of my undergraduate career, I probably drank like a fish both because I was 21 years old and I was under stress. There were also times in my grad school days when I leaned a little more on beer, wine, and magic herb to distract me from the fact that oh… you know… my dissertation topic was scooped by someone else.

I think I need some time off. I need to wake up in the morning and not worry about a damn thing for a while. I need some good BBQ, now that the weather is turning better. I need to relax.

Hopefully the coming long weekend will help me gain some perspective. Otherwise, I may have to hop on the wagon for a while. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.

ps. Things are getting better lately. I made a breakthrough at work yesterday on something that had been holding me up for three weeks. Woohoo!

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