Seeing as how it’s been almost five years since I provided any updates in the continuing story of Mullet Man and Beehive Boy (and honestly, how many of you were even reading this blog five years ago?), its time to provide another installment:
The Adventures of Mullet Man and Beehive Boy
The story of a mild-mannered feed distributor who, when the need calls, removes his trusty CAT cap to reveal himself to be Mullet Man, the “business in the front, party in the back” super hero. Together with his sexually ambiguous and gender-confused youthful ward and sidekick, Beehive Boy, they fight to stamp out imported evil and maintain Federal farm feed subsidies.
Our current issue finds Mullet Man and Beehive Boy following the abductors of one John Starkey to an after hours rendez-vous at a dark local Agway warehouse in Southern Indiana. There, they find the unfortunate Mr. Starkey tied to a chair, at the mercy of Mullet Man’s arch-nemesis, the nefarious Dr. Unibrow. Dr. Unibrow rips a chain from around Starkey’s neck and sees Mullet Man and Behive boy entering the warehouse.
MM: Untie that honest citizen, you Foul Fiend!
DU: Ah, Mullet Man! I knew you would be around here somewhere!
MM: I say again, Unibrow: abandon whatever scheme that is on your mind, and let John Starkey go!
DU: Now, why would I want to do that? *nods* Poor Mullet Man! You don’t even know why we’re all here, do you?
MM: If that’s the case, perhaps you could enlighten me…
DU: *waves, causing several henchmen with guns to appear from the shadows* Seeing as how you will shortly die, why not?
DU: The name John Starkey by itself is of little consequence to me, but a little research on the Internet reveals that John Starkey is also the well known online Communist memorabilia collector known as RedScare.
MM: John, how could you? I knew your father; he’d be spinning in his grave if he knew you’d have truck with that Commie trash…
DU: And RedScare has an item, a piece of Stalin’s Mustache encased in Lucite, that I need for my Bio-Mechanical Collectivizer in order to complete Khandropolev’s Process.
MM: Kandropolev’s Process? Wait!!! No!!! You can’t!!! He’s dead!!! He should stay that way!!!
BB: What’s wrong, Mullet Man? What’s Dr. Unibrow trying to do?
MM: He’s going to clone The Supreme Soviet!
BB: The Stalinist Super-Soldier?!?!
DU: *laughing evilly* Ah, your androgynous little friend begins to see the true evil of my plans!
MM: What could you want with The Supreme Soviet, Dr. Unibrow? You are many awful things, but I never thought a Communist Fellow Traveler was one of them…
DU: You have no reason to know my complete intentions… but let us just say that unleashing The Supreme Soviet on the American Heartland will bring about murder and mayhem… and I always love murder and mayhem!
MM: Again, I say: don’t do this! It took an unholy alliance between The Buzzcut, Sargent Psycho, and Atomic Annie, the Nuclear Nightingale to destroy him the last time!
DU: Too late, Mullet Man! My plans are laid and the trap is ready to be sprung! If nothing else, The Supreme Soviet may put an end to the decadent materialism, social deviance, and degenerate art of the modern age… but I must be off. *waving to his henchmen* KILL THEM ALL!
Will Dr. Unibrow succeed in his diabolical plans to revive The Supreme Soviet? Will Mullet Man and Beehive boy survive a barrage of bullets from Dr. Unibrow’s woefully misguided thugs? Will John Starkey (aka RedScare) learn the error of his ways for shopping for Iron Curtain tchotchkes online?
Tune in next time!!!